From Botched Gorilla, 10 Months ago, written in Plain Text.
  14. by Anna Maria on 2005 Aug 4 - 07:29 | reply to this comment
  15. Risk, consent and trying this at home...
  16. I'm not so sure that Alan was taking such a big risk. From his post, it sounds as if the relationship was already empty for him.
  18. Note that he said,
  19. "if I didn't love her ... I would never be able to continue living with her."
  20. To me, this says that the "risk" was minimal. He was risking a relationship that was almost dead in the water anyway.
  21. As for consent, it's difficult to negotiate with a woman who wants to fight instead of communicate (or one for whom fighting *is* communicating). Communication and negotiaton require that both parties are willing to listen.
  23. Remember that he did not use any means or threats to compell her to do anything.
  24. I emphasized I would never hurt her physically, or emotionally.
  25. All he did talk to her until she came around to his way of thinking:
  26. I sat down one night with her and told her things were going to change with us; I told her I wanted her to be submissive. No fight; she didn't say anything to me, for three days. Then she faced me and told me that that was the most disgusting thing I had ever said to her. To avoid a fight I didn't say any more that day, but I came back the next day and the next, and we finally started talking more about it. I told her I was taking control of our marriage and taking control of her. It was like a huge brick wall in front of her at the start, and every day a little crack formed and grew. (emphasis added)
  28. I'm sorry, but I don't have a problem with non-consentual talking, especially when he goes out of his way to assure her that he will not hurt her emotionally.
  30. She had a choice. She could continue as she was until he got fed up and left, or she could agree to do what he asked of her *or* she could have come up with her own solution.
  32. Alan might not have had a problem if she had said, "No, dear, I'm not going to be submissive. I hate the whole idea of being submissive. Instead, here is what I want to do... [insert her idea here]... what do you think?"
  34. That would have given him a starting point. She would have been part of the process. She would have been willing to talk and work things out with him. Instead, she didn't talk to him for three days.
  36. Sarah, there are a lot of women out there who are unwilling or unable to talk about what they want or need. These women need special handling.